“We move in fear or we move in desire”
The days that follow the break-up of a serious relationship can feel cathartic (especially for the dumper rather than dumpee). All that time you had spent on servicing the relationship with your former lover; the texting, the calls and dates is now free and you have the space to really starfish in your bed to your hearts content.
However, as the days and weeks pass, your new found freedom and bed space you once revelled in become akin to an oversized hoodie; comforting but in an unhealthy way. You begin to fill the space with books, music, films and nights out getting drunk only to realise that all these pursuits feel hollow and only serve to make you yearn for someone special to share them with. Loneliness takes hold, followed sharply by questions about your own self-worth and whether you’ll die alone.
You start to think back to your former relationship and the questions start to flow. Where they really so bad? Would it be so bad to settle for someone you don’t really love? Is it healthy that I’m watching so much porn? Then, as if by magic all the reasons you had to break up evaporate and all you want “is to feel that feeling again.”
Texts and Facebook chats follow and it felt like it was before. You tell yourself that “this time it might be different” knowing full well that it’s a lie but still convince yourself to make a pilgrimage for coffee, for drinks, for dinner, for whatever in search of a Mecca: to love and be loved in return. The only problem is you’ve been down this road before and someone’s going to get hurt, but I guess that doesn’t really matter when all you want is to feel loved, right?